Heavy Lies the Head
by AkaOkamiRyu
Summary: The weight of responsibility, the weight of their powers, is a heavy burden to bear. Somedays are worse then others, but thankfully they always have each other to help make it through. (2 scenes, about a year apart.) (Snowbarry & KillerFlash (or whatever we call it?))
1. Unanswered Question Hero's Perspective

_**Unanswered Questions & a Hero's Perspective** ; _(Heavy Lies the Head, chapter 1)

* * *

It's one of those beautiful, blue sky, bird song kind of afternoons but Barry hasn't had a moment to enjoy it, caught up in catching yet another meta human gone rogue. Thankfully, the situation is resolved with unusual ease and the petty thief Cisco has nicknamed Discount is behind bars, hanging with the other unrepentant meta humans Team Flash has put away so far. Though the capture had gone well, the experience has left Barry distracted—something that doesn't go unnoticed by Caitlin as she habitually examines him just to be sure he's not hiding any injuries.

Sighing at the distant look in his eyes, the way he seems not to be listening to a word she's said in the last two minutes, Caitlin grabs hold of his wrist, hoping to recapture his attention. The gentle pressure of her fingers manages to do the trick, distracting him from his thoughts and pulling his gaze towards hers. "I was just about to run and grab a late lunch, walk with me?" She asks, smiling and sure he won't actually buy the excuse but hoping all the same.

Barry doesn't, but he shrugs anyway; standing up from the medical table she'd pressed him down onto earlier. "Sure."

They get an order from Cisco and Dr. Wells before they make their way up to the top floors of the lab and then out the front doors. There's a sandwich shop just a few blocks down, but there's also a little pocket park just two blocks out of the way, with a swath of open bank against the river, so Caitlin steers them in that direction, grateful that Barry's letting her lead without question (though she supposes question would at least mean he was talking).

Neither say anything during the short walk, Barry still lost in his thoughts and Caitlin lost in her attempts to pull him out of them but when they reach the little hideaway, he does give her a puzzled look. She just smiles softly and nods skyward. "It's a nice day, might as well enjoy it for a bit," and with that, she abandons her heels at the edge of the grass and maneuvers herself carefully down the sloping back to the river's edge, settling on the grass and immediately digging her toes into the water with a quiet little murmur of content. When he just stands there, watching her curiously, as if waiting for her to make another move, Caitlin laughs and pats the open grass next to her. "Saving the world can wait a bit, and Cisco isn't going to starve."

Unable to stay melancholy for too long, that drags a laugh out of Barry. "Doctor's orders?" He teases, already toeing off his shoes and reaching for his socks when she turns back to flash him a wide, beaming grin.

"Of course."

And then he's edging down the bank and sitting next to her, watching the ripples fan out where his toes disturb the slow current of the water.

She lets the silence hang for a while, comfortable enough but still with an identifiable weight to it, the distance settling back behind the green of Barry's irises as they track the flowing river. When it seems like enough time has passed for him to gather whatever thoughts are running through his mind, she speaks up: "You wanna talk about it?"

Barry's gaze sweeps back to Caitlin, swinging his head and shoulders along with so that he's angled in her direction, leaned back on his arms, the ghost of a smile accompanying the slow way his head shakes fondly at her. "You always know when something's up, don't you?"

"You're not any different." Which is true: they're remarkably adept at reading each other. They have been from the start, from that first day when Barry opened his mouth with an "I just noticed you don't smile too much" and it's only grown over the past year and a half, as if each new challenge has peeled away another layer that should separate them but doesn't. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to or if you're not ready." It's a line they've both used before, comforting for the familiarity and the relative lack of pressure is offers.

"There's just so many of them," he starts, shifting back towards the water, not sure he wants Caitlin to be able to read his eyes for this conversation. Joe always teases that he's an open book and even if Caitlin didn't seem to have a special knack for reading his pages, it probably wouldn't be hard to gauge the feelings he has spinning. "So many more bad guys than good ones—some days I wonder if we're making much of a difference at all."

That catches her attention. Caitlin moves to mirror his earlier position, carefully twisting around towards Barry, concern softening her usually sharp gaze, softening the brown exponentially as it lingers across his face. "Of course we are Barry, think of all the people you've saved."

"Think of all the people we've locked up." He counters, digging his toes more firmly into the silty river bottom, partially for distraction, partially in frustration. "Sometimes I just don't get why so many of them decided to use their powers to hurt people—why are there so few who choose to do something good with them?"

Caitlin doesn't answer for a long while, which surprises him. Caitlin Snow always has answers, even when they're not the ones he wants to hear. He's about to say something else, afraid maybe he's said something he shouldn't have, when suddenly she stands up and begins wading into the water. He watches, completely perplexed by what she's doing even as she sweeps her bare arms up and stretches wide. "Today is gorgeous," she states, bringing her arms back down again, leaning over to dip her fingertips into the current. He watches the way she smiles at the break it makes on the surface, the hem of her dress fluttering just below her knees, one edge getting wet by her uneven leaning.

A quiet thought, 'you're gorgeous', skips along the back of his mind, even as she's speaking again. "I think, to at least some extent, it's a matter of perspective. The hero of every story is the villain of another. For them, for whatever life they were living, that was the right choice, maybe the easier choice," she smiles a little mischievously and lowers her hand again, flicking a spray of river water toward him. "Maybe the going with the flow choice."

Barry laughs even through a face full of chilly water, blinking back the droplets and suddenly standing up. "Really Cait?"

She just laughs, which begs retaliation and the next thing he knows, they're both laughing like kids, half soaked, splashing at each other while they stand in water halfway up their calves. He feels lighter than he has all afternoon, maybe lighter than he has in days (weeks? months?). Caitlin's hair is plastered all around her face, but she's still grinning as she wades back for the shore and falls heavily to the ground, laying back in the grass and soaking up the sunshine much the same as before. Barry watches her, their earlier roles reversed as he continues to tread water.

Her eyes are closed when she speaks again. "I really don't know the answer Barry, why so many people decide to use their powers for selfish, cruel reasons. I'm not sure we'll ever really understand, we're not those kind of people and we'll never really know their lives." He supposes that's fair. After all, it's really not so different from other people, he's worked in law enforcement long enough that he should know that. "We'll just keep doing everything we can to stop them and find people like us, who want to help and make a difference."

Sighing, content with the weight of that reality even if it's not the definitive answer he was hoping for, Barry joins her on shore, sliding onto the grass and stretching out.

They're both silent a long while before Caitlin suddenly adds, "I'm glad that you're the hero of this story."

He thinks the same of her.

* * *

This will be a two-parter, focusing on both Barry and then Caitlin struggling with the responsibility and weight of their powers. The second part is already written, just needs to be edited, so it should be up in the next few days, as soon as I get done with the school year and have some extra time (teacher life struggles!)

As you can probably tell, it's not canon compliant and was written ages ago, before the Eobard Thawne stuff. Takes place sometime in the indefinable future.

Feedback always appreciated!

Take Care & Best Wishes,

AOR


	2. Returning the Favor

_**Returning the Favor** ; (Heavy Lies the Head, chapter 2)_

* * *

When Caitlin turns up missing after a relatively minor mishap involving the treadmill getting covered with ice (and Barry subsequently slipping off and bruising a few ribs), he knows exactly where to find her.

Sure enough, when he arrives at the little pocket park three blocks from the lab, Caitlin is sitting at the water's edge, just like he'd expected. Even from this distance, he can tell that she is absolutely distraught: her posture is sagged but tense, her brown curls are in disarray from tugging her fingers frustratedly through them and she's sitting with her bare feet firm on the ground, arms hugging her knees tight against her chest (he's also 99% sure that's she's shaking but she's curled up so tight it could just be the force of her breathing fighting the press of her knees). Barry's heart breaks a little at the sight, the shattered pieces sweeping themselves up to tangle in his worry, and he crosses the grass quietly, removing his sneakers and socks as he moves, rolling up the legs of his jeans, desperate to get close and soothe her.

Clearly distracted with her (guilt? grief? regret?), Caitlin startles when he sits down next to her, landing heavily and gritting his teeth against the jarring of his ribs—an action he desperately tries to hide. But Caitlin recovers quickly, her dark gaze finds his face and of course she notices the tiniest pull of his jaw, the minute tension at the corners of his eyes that, for all his best efforts, he can't completely wipe away. "Oh God Barry, what did I do?" Her voice is wrung over with guilt, with grief, with regret (all three then).

He doesn't answer her question, instead let's a brief, skittering silence dance between them before turning, smiling, toward the clear, shallow water that flows lazily in front of them. "You know, ever since that afternoon last summer, I always think of this as our place." Barry leans back, jostling himself into a comfortable, languid position: feet stretched out, toes in the water, braced on his arms and looking up at the sun. It's just as beautiful as the first day they'd come here, Caitlin trying to distract him from his own dark thoughts. He wishes he didn't need to return the favor now, but for her he's always more than willing.

"We haven't been here since then Barry," Caitlin points out, confused by the change in subject, eyes still clouded over and her chest still pressed against her thighs. He notices the whites of her knuckles, the force with which he still grips, and knows he has a long way to go to distract and soothe her, but she's talking, so that's a start.

"I know," he shrugs, that easy smile ever present. "But whenever I start to feel a little hopeless, I like come here and think about that afternoon. Looked a lot like this, actually." Here he shifts his weight again and lifts an arm to gesture around them. "Bright sun, blue sky, birds singing everywhere."

She remembers. She thinks about that day too: splashing around, laughing, burning with the victory that was cheering up Barry Allen. When things get hard, especially lately, that afternoon reminds her of what they're fighting for, who they're fighting for. "It was gorgeous," Caitlin comments quietly, the hint of a smile chasing some of the darkness still looming heavy across her brow.

"You were gorgeous." For the first time, he breathes the words that had hung on his lips that afternoon, watching her wade through the water without a care in the world, save to make him smile again. Caitlin whips around at that, turning enough to break her iron grip on her legs and look at him in surprise. Barry laughs, light and easy and affectionate as he meets her gaze dead on. "Well you were! And still are Cait—even when you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders."

He means the comment to be light, but it trips her two steps in reverse and she's drawn back to why she'd come here in the first place: her accidental use of her poorly controlled powers, which had caused Barry to get hurt. He watches her close down again, watches the way guilt steals away the smile he'd coaxed out, and the only ice he feels now is the chill against his heart. "I'm a monster Barry, not any better than anyone we've got down in those cells." That icy grip tightens, but he refuses to let it take over.

Barry knows that her troubles controlling her powers—the random patches of ice, frozen pipes and occasional, accidental body heat snatching—have been frustrating her but he hadn't quite expected that comment. "Hey," he says softly, one hand bridging the space between them to rest against her cheek, guiding her gaze back to his. "You are nothing like them Caitlin—you'd never hurt anyone on purpose, you'd never choose to use your powers to cause harm." She's had mishaps here and there, sure, but so did he when he'd first started. It happens, it's not her fault and he's not going to let her wallow or wear this self-loathing like a scarlet brand above her heart.

For a long second, Caitlin wars with her desire and disgust: she wants so badly to accept his words and bask in the comfort and understanding that Barry's trying to give but she doesn't feel like she deserves it. She's done a lot of stupid things lately and it seems like she should be atoning for them, suffering the consequences, something more concrete than her own personal shame. But it's such a heavy burden to bear and she's exhausted by it. Eventually it's Barry's thumb, sliding softly against the curve of her jaw, that does her in and she leans into the affectionate touch, caving to his comfort. "I just hate not being able to control this," Caitlin sighs, looking defeated but a little more at ease than a moment ago.

"Hey, you'll get there." Barry promises, soft and sure and so glad she's coming around. "If I've learned anything over the last few years, it's that there's nothing we can't all do when we work together." His grin is bright, his words a promise and then he's up and moving, sliding his hand from her cheek to her back, his other arm sliding under her bent knees. In a flash, Barry has her in his arms (a familiar position) and he's wading into the river.

Completely distracted from her earlier worries, Caitlin lets out a shriek of laughter, squirming in his grasp while he playfully threatens to drop her. She's wearing a light dress, her heels back in the grass and a wild smile on her face—Barry's heart soars and he tips her in his arms so that just her bare toes skim along the water's surface. The action just causes her to nestle herself more tightly against him, still laughing and calling vague threats. "Barry Allen, put me down right now or I'll…"

She doesn't get the chance to finish because, careful to keep her steady and standing, Barry drops her right into the current. The subsequent splash soaks the hem of her dress and the rolled legs of his pants, temporarily staining them dark. "Really Barry?" Her head shakes, her eyes roll and then she's leaning down to splash at his face, which dissolves into a wet, messy tussle between them. Just like the last time, they give into the childish game and let it drown out the worries and the fears that too often follow them, the sound of laughter echoing brightly in their little corner of the world.

A few minutes later, wet and winded, they fall back against the carpet of grass on the riverbank, breathing heavily and smiling. "Always playing the hero," Caitlin teases softly, turning her head to look at Barry, laying just a few inches away.

There is a part of her, that part that's always a little too chilly these days, that wants to fall back into the grief and loathing, but it's easy to beat back with the warm weight of Barry's gaze on hers, a smile gentle across his lips. "Just returning the favor, Cait. Just returning the favor."

* * *

In part one we had Caitlin cheering up Barry, so in part two we have Barry cheering up Caitlin.

This was my first stab at anything involving Killer Frost and I took a lot of creative license with her powers. In this, she can't control her heat sapping at the current, but it doesn't happen all the time and she's not miserable for any reason other than she keeps freezing things by accident. I know it's not in line with comic-verse but a) I'm not well read in the Flash comic-verse and b) I'm not sure how well that would all work with this premise. Hopefully you guys don't mind! (Also, this was originally written back in February so still far from compliant with our current canon)

Thoughts and suggestions always welcome and appreciated :)

Take Care & Best Wishes,

AOR


End file.
